Why I did what I did / Why I do what I doI
Probably should’ve wrote this first! The ‘why’ did you do that explanation to a story can take up more room than the story but every story needs some context to some degree for readers or listeners to see and understand the whole picture just a little bit better!
so here’s the context, a brain spill, to ‘Why I did what I did / Why I do what I do’
Be willing to risk it. Bottom line I was not much when I started and I won’t be much when it’s over.
I want to go on record so to speak…
Just for the record – one of my biggest regrets is that I was never focused as much as I should’ve been on the family. I was more focused on adventures and me and what pleasures I could reap from life of which such experiences I did want to share with my family (feeling those experiences and what I learn from them would benefit my family also) and maybe just maybe they wouldn’t feel totally ignored but as I said I wasn’t focused on family as much as I should’ve been!
This is probably a poor illustration cause people are not like cars! People are not mindless but a car is.
However I never viewed my children like cars (and everybody’s a little bit like a car needing guidance and direction in life) who needs to be guided and steered in a certain direction.
Unless I was goaded or inspired (your pick) to do so by my God, my wife or others. I just never pictured one of my girls being anything but themselves even though I often gave into pressure to mold them according to certain so-called doctrine or mind set that I truly believed would benefit them.
As a friend or parent which is better hands off or hands on? The judge is out on which way is better because if somebody out of purpose and a good motive is given some direction or guidance in life the car is much more likely to get to a particular destination in better shape than a car driven mostly hands off!
Problem was as a young care free father I tended to go to extremes to quickly to get them (my kids my wife my friends) to a destination morally & spiritually I barely understood myself. Most times I wasn’t even focused or sure myself that the direction I had decided on was the best one to edge myself & those I felt were under my care towards.
Yep hypocritical at best & scary & overly demanding at worse with some love sprinkled on top.
I often fancied myself a lifeguard verses prison guard and thought (until reminded otherwise) that those I was trying to direct & protect saw me that way to… how naive & unaware I was! A good motive isn’t salve to heal the affects of pushing!
Planting guilt from showing disappointment is usually used at selfish moments for selfish people to get their way! It wasn’t a quick tool nor a harmless one… it can leave scares! Those were the few times I didn’t like myself!
Even today I never drive with both hands on the wheel even though that would be safer I’m just too lazy and I like comfort!
I never worried about the consequences of a goal or a decision or a particular frame of mind or a mission or an obsession and yes that was a problem and often an issue but I always knew there would be consequences I just always expected them, at the least, to be good or fairly good, immediately or eventually….. that’s the thought process that drove the engine of my life!
True, a frame of mind as described above is obviously selfish because the consequences of ones actions, deeds, thinking and conduct often affects others especially those nearest to you and obviously those nearest to you are those you’re supposed to love the most.
Some Reading this may argue that I really couldn’t have loved others much because had I really loved others or even myself more I would’ve been more concerned about the possible negative consequences.
I guess deep down I always felt (for me and for others consequently affected) the consequences of taking or pushing life’s experience one step further, whether negative or positive would be at the worst a learning experience and at the best one hell of a ride…
I guess the bottom line I was just always excited about the consequences of taking things one step farther than most would do – like wow that was good now what about this – knowing the ride would be exciting and at the same time selfishly hoping the consequences would be pleasurable and bring a degree of happiness to myself and other riding with me and hopefully spill over to others… yes even the passengers, the ones we call our family and friends!
Honestly I’ve never really figured out if viewing others in my life as passengers is right or wrong it’s just weird really! As we go through life feeling others that we touch and interact with (and affect in one way or another) as partners versus passengers would’ve probably been better
Being noticed and the center of attention was always exciting to me and eventually became the ruling motivation for many of my decisions! It naturally became familiar grounds.
And when I say noticed I mean noticed not necessarily in a shocking way (even though I feel in a shocking way is better than no way) but at the least In a way no one else at the time was being noticed and being noticed for having done something that no one else at the time was doing.. deserving that kind of attention is very rewarding and contagious!
Sometime during high school I realized some of the things I did to get attention (to be noticed) was actually enriching my life. Making my existence exciting and fun. Making me (I thought) wiser, more carefree & open to the pleasures and yes even the pain of life at its fullest!
At the same time I also realized life in the country, on a farm, in a small town could never be experienced in a way that would fulfill my craving for not just attention but for the excitement of living life on the edge – sucking as much out of life as I could whether that be bitter, sweet, hot, cold but hopefully never lukewarm!!
Gotta admit to some degree I was and still am (to a lessor degree) a epicurean; Cause I didn’t want to push the envelope so far that it spoiled or lessened my opportunity to experience life over and over again on the edge!
I was not and I am not overconfident but I am a firm believer that life, just as God does, only blesses effort, you put in the effort something will happen & if not right away then eventually that something will reward you with something good or at the minimum something different!
I fear and loath boredom. Always have, always will but that’s another story!
I read a quote once that I Really think it’s true “early In life the time comes when the risk to remain tight in a bud is usually more painful than the risk it takes to blossom.”
Re-worded a little my philosophy became and is: to the degree you’re comfortable with be daring, be different, be impractical, be a risk taker, be anything that will add purpose, imagination, vision & excitement to the near future. Don’t be a slave to the tendency of most people to play it safe….
I did once politic hard to vote in the Union out at RATSCAT and we did. Except on that one occasion I never really took up some kind of social justice cause. Why? Because that kind of attention, being notice that way, comes with too many strings attached, gets old after a while and leads to dissension and dissatisfaction and therefore unhappiness… I guess I never could really see enough in it for me to make it worth my time to get into and to pursue some kind of social cause… mainly cause I’m a little emotionally lazy and selfish and also I’ve never seen social causes really really benefit but a few and then it best just for a little while.
Don’t get me wrong during the early days of my life there were a few things I wimped out on like faking the religious experience of talking in tongues! Some of the wild ones who thought I was as wild as they was and wanted me to run with them were also Penecostal holy rollers and they wanted me to go to church with them and act like I got the Holy Ghost with them but I just couldn’t do it… they wanted me to do that so I would be accepted by their family and they could have someone to lead a double life with… I pretty much faked everything necessary to win the parents trust except talking in tongues! I did say and danced as if I had the Holy Spirit but just couldn’t do the talking in tongues!
looking back now I kinda wish I would’ve tried. I was good at being a hypocrite… didn’t seem to bother me at all when it got me what I wanted!
Here’s a list of what I wanted and what I did to take what I wanted one step further. i.e words here’s a list of why I did what I did and why I do what I do
Admiration and appreciation for other cultures and for people different than me..
I enjoyed the creek Indians that I live by and wanted to be their friends and to be accepted by them. So besides going to school together I tried my best to learn their language, to eat their food, I had more creek Indian best friends than white friends. I would sleep over in their house and they would sleep over at mine and we would laugh and play together as if nothing else mattered!
My first girlfriend, the first girl I ever kissed was a creek Indian and to me she was beautiful… we all swim in the pond and played in the creek necked together and felt that was perfectly normal!
The Creek were the first people I was jealous of and wanted to be like and the first people I admired without reservation!
As I learned there were other cultures to explore and learn from, besides just Indian, I got excited about doing just that. Within a few years I was neck deep in the black and Asian cultures, not studying them but wanting to be like them…
My closeness and love for the Creek and their culture is why I did what I did and now do what I do
The thrill of the ride
I love riding horses and found out I was a pretty good rider so I took advantage of the situation and instead of just showing off my riding skills I would go to rodeos and ride bulls!
Often I would go to a rodeo with friends and not tell them that I had entered the bull riding Competition! I loved the attention afterwards and the excitement of the anticipation when they would hear my name and I would come out of that chute!
So my love of the thrill of the ride is why I did what I did and now do what I do
As great as farm life was I felt it was just too limiting!
Challenges are what makes life interesting and and enjoying them, not necessarily surviving or overcoming them but enjoying them, is what makes life meaningful.
My first adventure after leaving the farm life
Reversing the NO and the YES I like the following quote of Mahatma Gandhi: “A ‘Yes’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘No’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.”
I wanted to see things and do things and not just normal things either so the farm was not for me so I said ‘no’ to a life on a farm and ‘yes’ to a life of adventure and travel – I join the Air Force!
I’ve been around water all my life even though it wasn’t the ocean it was creeks and ponds and rivers and big lakes so I didn’t want to do the navy. I grew up shooting guns, my friends and I actually shooting each other with BB guns & pellet guns and I had killed animals with rifles and shotguns so the army didn’t appeal to me!
However I had never flown above the ground and speed was exciting so I decided to join the Air Force!
Joining the Air Force opened a wonderful door of opportunity in photography
The consequences of joining the Air Force was not what I expected… the decision to do so was east. It didn’t take me long to figure out I didn’t want to take the time and make the effort to be a pilot (besides honestly most of the pilots I got to know including wannabe pilots seemed kind of uppity to me) so I volunteered and pursued the profession of photography! To me that opened more doors of excitement and adventure than being a pilot & after all was said and done I think I was right..
As a photographer In the Air Force I got to learn (turn off and enjoy) new heights of self-awareness and adventure! I enjoyed developing the art of photography, I got bit by the travel bug and I meet my wife and made some wonderful friends and for that I owe the Air Force and the profession of adventure photographer a big thank you..
Of course all my military friends were either photographers or working in the industry of photography… so I hit the ground running in this new adventure!
Is black & white or color photography racist! I hate that word!
See if you can figure out this correlation!? If I was a better writer I could probably explain it but here goes…
I loved photography, black-and-white and color. Maybe because I often wanted to be black but I knew I couldn’t be even though at times I really tried to live like I was black but that’s an impossible goal for some white Okie to achieve. I never really was a connoisseur of just black-and-white photography or just color photography I loved both.
I even thought I understood what being black was like because of my experience with the so-called brown Indians but I really had no idea! I was never an Indian either honestly I was always just me! In some weird way I really enjoyed enjoyed playing like the real me was closer to them than I was closer to me! Most of my black and Indian friends allowed me such fantasy – they were kind! Some of them even trusted me enough to treat me like I was one of them but honestly I never was I was just me.
It’s a wonder that none of them ever took offense at my trying to fake it to be like them, they all seem to appreciate and consider my efforts a complement to who they were! At least I was never a boring hypocrite!
My love for taking things to the next level, going one step farther, turned out to be a real plus when it comes to learning and enjoying the art and attitude of a photographer. Photography as an art expose me to music as an art both of which I found good for the soul!
My experience in the Air Force. Be that the Art of photography or the art of music or Associating with artistic people allowed me to start doing what I do…
Oh One more thing, how did I qualify for photography in the Air Force, it was because I took journalism for one semester in college. Until I took journalism in college I’d never taken a picture in my life! imagine that a redneck country boy choosing journalism as a possible profession! Low-paying but when done right you and your presence and your words and your thoughts make a difference… every day I want to make a difference!
Most of my life has been in the pursuit of pleasure / exploring / experiencing new adventures / feeling good!
I will not die an unlived life no matter the risk. I will not live in fear of falling, failing or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me to both turmoil and peace, to make me less afraid & therefore more accessible to many of the pleasures of life. I want to know who God is not be a god…
I liked getting high and my drug of choice was alcohol at first the later mixed in with a little pot and speed! I often took drinking to far thanking I could handle a lot more liquor than I really could! Very few people ever actually saw me drunk because I could drink, and had on several occasions, drink myself sober… sounds impossible but it’s not you just slow the consumption down and continue drinking some but not enough to get drunker but enough to make it look like you could drink and drink and drink!
Several times alcohol almost ruined my life and inflicted a whole lot more pain on others than on myself! All I would suffer was a hangover & a little bit of guilt but others would suffer the on-slot of violence that alcohol often brought to the four! Pushing alcohol to the limit is one of my greatest regrets… however some of my fondest memories and exciting moments happened while I was enjoying the flavors and affect of using & enjoying alcohol in moderation… I wished I would’ve been more of an epicurean when it comes to alcohol…. I eventually got pretty good at Drinkin and especially drinking in moderation and I just regret that I didn’t do so sooner in life but then again that’s the way it turned out!
I’ve learned that alcohol makes you forget how dangerous it can be when abused, as you sit and enjoy how good it makes you feel, unless you forget how dangerous it can be!
Yes the desire to feel good and my willingness and inclination to use alcohol and drugs to do so is one of the reasons I did what I did and now I do what I do!
The best feel good success of my life
Growing up I actually figured my wife would be someone from another culture! However regardless of what culture she grew up in or race she was she would have to be sexy and beautiful and a handful… not some cookie cutter wife!!
After photography school at Lowery Air Force Base in Denver I was assigned to Holloman Air Force Base in Alamogordo New Mexico.
A few Spanish women caught my eye but I didn’t want to be on the farm or in the family business or tied down by culture…
Then I met my ‘bride to be’ in a college night class and to me she was so beautiful, mysterious and dangerous looking that I had no choice but to try, try to be with her. At the worst worse she could say a lot more than just no… She could say not just no but hell no and here’s why! This could really hurt but oh well big deal! Who am I anyway.
Even though the possibility of failure was likely thats what made even the thought of pursuing her both terrifying & exciting but even the slightest possibly of some form of success was mind boggling and made going for it a no brained!
So unbelievably, a few weeks later, an amazing opportunity presented itself to do what I do, dive in and go for it & I went for it and the rest is history…
As the gods would have it I was delivering some film to be processed and I just happened to walk by her office somewhere on Holloman Air Force Base and there she was sitting behind a desk in her little mini skirt, beautiful legs, totally ignoring me and everyone else and I went for it! So I stuck my head in the room and I said excuse me what time was I supposed to pick you up for our date… my heart was be beating so hard & loud I could barely hear my words but I mustered up the boldness and went for it! The feeling was unbelievable! All I remember is my opening comment I have no idea what her comment was or how the conversation progressed to me actually getting a date and showing up at the Brunson home a few days later, asking permission from her well known badass ex-marine dad to take their daughter out for dinner and a drive-in movie…
The whole situation was a challenge I’ll never forget and a success I will relish forever!!
All my Air Force photography buddies (they had also previously seen her at the lab) said no way this is going anywhere, you’re out of your league, she’s way too beautiful and distant and unapproachable… you’re just setting yourself up for failure. And I was thinking so I might fail but what if I don’t… the day before I was to pick her up for our first date they reminded me her dad is going to wipe the floor with your butt and then after that didn’t happen they were all so jealous.
Emboldened by the Initial success I pushed aside the fear and self-doubt and went for it and never looked back….
I gotta admit I too didn’t think it would go much farther than a dinner date or two but I was determined to give it my best shot! It helped that she was on the rebound (she had just broke up with her boyfriend who she was totally infatuated with). Totally new at communicating with anyone especially someone as beautiful as she was I became the best listener and most sympathetic friend anyone could ever have and it worked… obviously I knew it and all my friends kept telling me that this could hurt bad if I failed!
At this point I was totally hooked on doing what I had to do and doing it with newly mustered up confidence but nonetheless with very little if any hesitation…
She had four beautiful younger sisters all of whom I hit it off famously with… clumsily joking and Jiving my way into the heart and life of one of the most beautiful and challenging woman I had ever met.
Now, with a wife, gotta take it to the next level!
I was done with the Airforce! It didn’t have much left to offer. In just a few months since leaving the farm i has traveled to San Antonio TX, Denver CO and Alamogordo NM and the travel bug was hungry!
Already addicted to travel & testing myself to the limit it was Time to notch things up a bit!
The beginning of satisfying my addiction to Travel & testing life’s limits – Vietnam
To get a year early out I agreed to go to Vietnam! Feeding the bug, exploring a totally new & foreign culture, and testing the limit of life’s challenges.
So I was in the Air Force for 37 months and 25 days so essentially 38 months. 3 years and two months
I was in Vietnam for a few days under one year! Therefore I went to Vietnam in September 1967 and left Vietnam in September 1968
was stationed at Tan Son Nhut Air Force Base located near the city of Saigon in southern Vietnam!
The Tet offensive attack on the US Embassy in Saigon took place on the early morning of 31 January 1968 when a 19-man Vietcong sapper team attempted to seize the US Embassy in Saigon at the start of the VC’s Tet offensive.
So when the Tet Offensive started with the first battle of Saigon I had only been in country for about four months.
Vietnam was really a first in many ways for me! First time in a war, first time with drugs, first time facing hatred and smelling death! It was not my first time experiencing fear but it was my first time dealing with fear every day.
It was my first time seeing humans being treated worse than animals as if at a slaughterhouse or a slave camp or a house of prostitution!
It was my first interaction with cultures I never even dreamed existed.
It was my first encounter with card sharks & trained assassins like JoJo from the hard streets of Chicago who was both.
It was my first encounter with extreme sadness and loneliness from being separated from the new love of my life, my new bride of only a few months.
My first experience with a reality that I couldn’t escape was that I had to Survive & endure 24/7. A reality so surreal (or unreal take your pick) that I couldn’t look it in the face nor for that matter could I look away from it in an attempt to escape from it which I often tried to do (even if just for a few minutes) with fantasies induced and enhanced by drugs and alcohol and of course music!
As a archive photographer I saw and photographed both what the US government wanted me to photograph plus without an apology what both me and my fellow photographers and friends thought at the moment needed photographed.
This is my first draft at explaining Why I did what I did / Why I do what I do. I realize it’s an odd place to pause the narrative but to be continued for sure
Even if the second edition doesn’t make it to print I really feel after you read this you will know yourself a little better and have a little more insight into why you’ve done what you’ve done and why you do what you do…
In addition to the second edition of this chapter of my life I’m working on one I think you will totally enjoy! You may have noticed that I don’t tend to spend a lot of time naming names because that is a chapter unto itself! To me names matter, names really matter and continues to be a very important chapter that needs to be told and soon will be!
So for now the bottom line to me is this, decisions matter and love matters even more cause I know for a fact eventually love triumphs over everything…… 😍
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